We all got problems, people. Some dog is always barkin’ it’s damn head off next door, and you ain’t sure you got enough gas to get to the gas station. Duane owes you twenny bucks, but Nikki’s in town and so you know he’s spendin’ all his spare scratch on newports and busch light. Plus you got all these cucumbers, and you gotta constantly be tricking people in to thinking you ain’t a total shit of a dude.
Well, my friend, I can’t tell Duane that Nikki’s only with him on account of his bitchin’ firebird and general gullibility, but I can tell you what to do with those cucumbers and the people one step away from finding out that it’s you that broke the toilet handle at your friend’s mom’s 40th birthday party.
As with almost everything I infrequently post on this webzone, the recipe I’m about to lay down is dirt simple. If you got some basic kitchen equipment and some jars, you good to go. As with my recipe for Girlfriend Chicken, you might have to buy some spices. Good! You’re gonna need them shits when you start coming up with your own ideas. At least you can leave them when you move out so the next person who moves in’s girlfriend can throw them away with a wrinkled-up nose. (She has a ponytail and a pink purse)
WHAT ARE WE MAKING ALREADY? The answer is Refrigerator Pickles. These suckers take basically zero time, and they stay good for A WHOLE YEAR. If you’re like me, the jar will sit in the fridge with one pickle in it for eight months until you get really hungry, so this is a plus. Also, much like Girlfriend Chicken, it seems like you really worked your ass off, while in reality the bulk of the work was done during Law and Order commercial breaks. ALSO, these suckers are super rad to give away as gifts, because, once again, it seems like you really went out of your way to give someone something thoughtful and handmade. Spring these bitches on unsuspecting domestics, and they’re all “Woah, I have a dog and the netflix, but I ain’t THIS good at homemaking!” Say you made a bunch and will never eat them all, in a way that implies that last week you didn’t leave your house because making these pickles took every second of your time. Don’t tell them you didn’t leave the house because you found a bunch of frozen pizzas at the back of the freezer and consequently had no need to venture outside. Giving people who live in a subdivision these pickles will make them think you’re a crazy food wizard, instead of just a regular wizard that’s mostly lazy.
ALSO, if you’re making these for you, (Why would you do that! You know you are a terrible person! Don’t kid yourself, scumbag) then you can just recycle such as old salsa or mustard jars, instead of springing for fancy ball jars and raffia for bows and pinking shears to cut out jaggity-edged tags that you calligraphy “Fresh Pickles” on.
So, get yourself some cucumbers from whoever planted too many this year. If you can, get the smaller, younger, wart-ier ones. They stay crunchy better. Cut them so they fit in whatever jar you have. I like to quarter them, because they look cool and have such a nice crunch. The brine I’m about to lay down should cover two regular grocery-store cukes, and like three or four of the nice warty ones. Brine is simple and cheap, so if you need more, just make it.
Get yourself a cup of water and a cup and a quarter of white vinegar. Put it in a saucepan, and add a quarter cup of sugar. Add a tablespoon of salt, a pinch of celery seed, a teaspoon of dry mustard, and a couple shakes of turmeric. Bring the whole thing to a boil, and then let it simmer for about five minutes, to get the flavours rockin’ in concert.
Next, you put your cut up cucumbers in a jar, along with maybe some sliced onion and a clove or two of fresh garlic, all smashed flat with a knife to really get the juice flowin’. Shove in a sprig of dill, too. Wait until the brine cools off, and cover the stuff in the jar. Make sure all your cucumber parts got access to the brine. Screw on the lid and stick them suckers in the fridge for about a week, and blammo, you’ve got your own damn pickles. They come out nicely tart and a little sweet, but I was thinkin’ a nice touch would be maybe some pepper flakes or like half of a regular ol’ hot pepper, just to give it a little kick. If you do that, I bet you gotta wait a little longer. I don’t know, man. I haven’t tried it.
Like I said, now you can stop over at people’s houses and be like “Hey bitches, you want some food I preserved myself that you ain’t got a clue how they make it? Too bad, stick this shit in your ‘fridge and make all your sandwiches better forever.” I guarantee they freak the fuck out over how awesome your pickles are, like seconds after you leave. Maybe the wife will mess around with you in the back of your car.
Check it out, Dogg: You just wrecked a marriage, and it cost less than a Spicy Italian footlong from Subway. Who’s the artist now, Michelle?
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