Don't be a bacon bragger.

We need to sort some things out, internet. You know what I'm talking about: bacon fanboys. Now, there are a lot of reasons, it seems, that bacon as a meme has really taken off. But the number one, in my mind, is that it allows people to experience a degree of "safe danger." Everybody knows bacon is bad for you! Isn't it crazy that I added it to my cupcakes?! I'M WACKY, GOD DAMMIT!

With regard to bacon, I find myself in the same place that I did with the band Radiohead in college. The music was pretty good, sometimes excellent. The fans, however, were often completely unbearable. There was this legion of black-glasses-and-grey-wool-coat wearing fanboys, who rallied to the cry of "I'm a tortured intellectual, nobody understands me but Thom Yorke!" Eventually, almost everybody grows out of this phase, but it's a real pain in the ass when you have to deal with it every day.

Likewise, it's impossible to have a[n internet] discussion with my fellow mouth-breathing, socially retarded recluses without someone freaking out over how much they love bacon. Pal, McDonalds puts bacon to shame where health risks are concerned. Putting a couple strips of sugardale over your meatloaf is no excuse to go stomping around acting all hard. Adding an ingredient that is easily purchased at most major American grocery stores is not the same as running from the cops with a pound of heroin-filled condoms waiting to blow up in your gut. Yet, all too often, that is how people portray it. Bacon is tasty. We get it.

I also blame America's unreasonable standards of what is considered TRULY wacky for the continued survival of this meme, but that's a post for another time. Suffice it to say: Your sense of humor sucks in general, America.

As I stated, though, bacon tastes good. It's salty and crunchy and is full of delicious fat. Much like keeping a loaded gun in every room of the house, using bacon outside of breakfast is a great idea. (See also: Only drinking whiskey at night) The surprise you get when either one shows up unexpectedly is just as important as what they bring to your home, or your plate, as well.

Take, for example, the case of German-style potato salad. It has always been my opinion that nobody actively likes potato salad, and that it's just there so people can be polite and take some. So, you dutifully shovel some on to your plate, ready to consume what years of reinforcement have taught you is about as bland a dish as can exist. Forking some in to your mouth, you...wait a second, here. This is...tangy! And...savoury! And served warm! No, it can't be...Is there bacon in this? There is! Oh, my god! That's the last thing I expected to find here! This is delicious!

So, when I lay down this recipe, I'm trusting you to use it responsibly. Don't be a bacon bragger. Keep that shotgun hidden, until Ronnie's sure he's got you outsmarted. The look on their faces will always be worth it.

This recipe is stupid simple. I don't often make desserts, because I don't really like sweet things. But this time of year, people always be in your face about bringing something to the party, and cookies are apparently "More acceptable in a work setting" than "A 30 rack of busch camo cans." So, without further delay:

TROJAN PIGGIES
(Chocolate chip cookies with a secret dose of crunchy, salty bacon)

INGREDIENTS:

6 Strips bacon - No need to get fancy here. The regular store kind is fine. For other applications, I insist on thick-cut butcher-only bacon, but that would be wasted here.

1 Cup flour

1/2 Teaspoon baking soda

1/2 Teaspoon salt

1 stick of butter, allowed to come up to room temperature. (Like, an hour and some.)

1/2 Cup brown sugar, all packed down in to that cup and levelled off.

1/3 Cup regular-ass sugar

1 Egg

1 Teaspoon vanilla extract (Get the real kind, the fake shit sucks)

2/3 Cups chocolate chips (I might cut it down just a little, but I don't really like chocolate too much?)

PROCEDURE:

This dish works best if you have an electric mixer. Not saying you need a cast-iron Kitchen Aid or anything, but unless you got arms like my gramma, whipping the butter and sugar together is going to be a serious pain in the ass.

Cook the bacon. The easiest way to do this is on a plate with paper towels in the microwave. Should take somewhere in the neighbourhood of six minutes, probably a bit more. Cook it until it's crispy. Just check on it often, and you can't miss. Crumble it all up once it has cooled.

You want to get a bowl and mix together the flour, salt, and baking soda. Combining them when dry will make for more even distribution later on. A whisk (or fork) works well here.

Next, put your butter and sugar in the mixing bowl, and cream them together. What does that mean? Exactly what it sounds like. Mix them together until they look creamy instead of lumpy. Shouldn't take that long. Add the vanilla and the egg, mix a little more, and slowly add the flour mix, then the chocolate chips and the bacon.

Much like a mixer, parchment paper is pretty key here. Non-stick pans get scratched, becoming stick pans rather quickly. Just get a roll of parchment paper from the grocery store, and your cookies will come right off. Take some dough, roughly a tablespoon, and drop it on the paper on your cookie sheet. Keep your proto-cookies 2-3" apart, and they shouldn't run in to each other as they cook.

Stuff them bitches in a 350-degree oven for 10-16 minutes (ovens are different) and cool them on a rack when they're done. "10-16 minutes is a pretty wide range," you may say. "How will I know they're done?!" The answer is "When they look like cookies." You want a little brown around the edges. (Golden brown, yo. Like a cookie is supposed to look.)

There you have it! Stick them bitches out at whatever holiday shit you're forced to leave the house for, and you're guaranteed to either delight, or never be invited back. It's a real win-win.